Headlines for August 13th

Sales of the Pink Slime beef product have bounced back after a year has passed since ABC News had a report on this beef byproduct mixture being added to various foods. See Justin Bieber, pink slime can make a comeback so there’s hope for you yet!

The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms is considering a regulation that would require gun sellers to report guns that are “lost in the mail”. Supposedly, among the millions of guns shipped each year, about 1,500 never turn up at their destination. That’s actually true! I recently purchased a gun, it never arrived so I went into the post office and asked the clerk what happened to it, and he winked at me and said “lost in shipment”.

The Fields Medal for Math, a notable recognition in the math world, was given for the first time to a woman. Aww, I know why! Someone finally figured out that women are better equipped to multiply than men!

For the first time ever, the Pope is being allowed to fly over Chinese airspace his trip to South Korea. The only catch, he’s not allowed to use a plane. “Hey, Mr. Holy Man, I thought you could fly!”, Chinese officials were not quoted as saying.

Edward Snowden recently in an interview with Wired Magazine, suggested the existence of software called MonsterMind that would detect an attack and immediately, without hesitation, fire back at the source. That IS scary, but is also now my new name for my wife.

In Florida, Justin Bieber reached a plea deal for his DUI conviction. I have a plea deal for Justin. Please stop being such a douchebag.

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