Headlines – 12/31/15

Well, The Monkey is going to take a stab at this again – monologue headline jokes.  No expectations of any traction; a chance to practice my comedy writing skills, such as they are.  

The US military has shelved an idea to use a robot developed by a Google subsidiary that would “walk” alongside troops and carry heavy equipment.  Apparently it’s too loud.  To which Donald Trump commented “Loud?  Now that’s my kind of weapon!”

Google Glass 2.0 is about to be released after a lackluster performance of Google Glass 1.0. 

  • Great, just as I’m getting over my public urinal anxiety.
  • Google Glass 1.0 allowed users to see videos and digital information as they walked down the street, and see information on nearby restaurants or read text messages.  Too bad Google wasn’t able to see how poorly Google Glass would be received.
  • Users of Google Glass 1.0 earned the name of “glass-holes”, so I guess 2.0 users would be “glass-holier?”

A man has died after apparently trying to blow up a condom vending machine in Germany; he was brought into the hospital with a severe head injury and his friends told suspicious staff that he had fallen down a flight of stairs. Apparently he should have considered protection.

China says it’s building a new aircraft carrier out of all domestically sourced materials.  

  • The Chinese government says it is non-nuclear powered and will run on conventional fuel.   The carrier will be fueled at port, but refueling at sea “cost extra”.
  • The ship is currently unnamed.  Sources suggest names under consideration include “Moo Goo Gai Wham”, “General TSO’s Carrier” and “All You Can Fleet”

New York medical pot grower says products are certified by the Orthodox Union. 

  • And this will mark the first time Jewish youths will actually be looking forward to their Bar Mitzvah gifts.
  • A local Jewish boy who recently tried the marijuana suggested it was (in a breathy voice) “poi-fect”.

A 24-year-old daredevil photographer fell to his death as he tried to take a snapshot atop Midtown’s swanky Four Seasons Hotel, officials said Thursday. A spokesman for the Four Seasons reassured everyone that any rumors of prices being the next thing to fall was totally unfounded.

Marco Rubio is getting behind a state-based effort to amend the Constitution with additional restrictions, most notably term limits. Based on where he is in the polls and his lack of participation recently in Senate votes, I’m not sure Term Limits should be a concern for Mr. Rubio.

The movie-streaming service Netflix has created a countdown to midnight that parents can set to start whenever they want.

  • Tip for parents, wait until it’s dark outside to start it.
  • Good news is that if you want that New Years Party ending earlier, this will also work on drunk party guests.
  • Good news is that if you’re kids are dumb enough to believe midnight happened before they had to go to bed, they won’t be confused by the loud countdown and fireworks that will happen at the real midnight.

An estimated ten percent of pedestrian injuries that land people in emergency rooms are due to distracted walking, a recent study found.

  • On the other hand, there’s nothing cooler than checking in on Facebook from the hospital ICU.
  • Six percent were watching a fake New years Eve countdown clock.
  • Eight percent considered the emergency room visit “distracting to their texting”

Clothing chain Old Navy apparently thinks artists are unnecessary by creating a new T-shirt design for children that reads “young aspiring artist” but has the word “artist” crossed out, replaced with the word “astronaut” or “president.”  Old Navy has since pulled the design from production.  

  • It would have been more accurate had the design had suggested being a “Clever Old Navy Marketing VP”
  • Given Old Navy’s sales struggles, there was never really any danger of anyone buying these shirts, even if they weren’t pulled.
  • Passed over for career: “Aspiring T-shirt Logo Engineer”

New Hampshire’s largest newspaper, the Union Leader, is the latest target of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s attacks against the news media by printing a front-page editorial Monday by publisher Joseph McQuaid declaring, “Trump campaign insults NH voters’ intelligence.” I gotta admit, I never thought I’d see a headline that included both the words Trump and “intelligence”

Trump alleged McQuaid told him he would never endorse Christie, because Christie was photographed hugging President Barack Obama days before the 2012 election. When contacted for comment, Christie suggested he wasn’t hugging Obama, but merely searching the President for any snacks he might have been hiding..



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