Headlines – January 26, 2016

Governor Rick Perry has thrown his support behind Ted Cruz, saying there are three reasons why he supports Cruz.  First, Ted Cruz represents Republican conservative ideals, second, Ted Cruz is a solid leader, and then he could not cite the third reason, saying only “Oops, again”

Bernie Sanders announced that in order to establish some of his proposed programs, he might have to raise taxes.  At the very moment, Ted Cruz paused in mid sentence, looked off in the distance and whispered – “I just felt the screams of millions of Republicans crying out in agony”

Indiana is at it again, with Republican lawmakers there trying to pass discrimatory anti-LGBT laws.  Indiana?  More like “in-dee-middle-ages”

Fox News is willing to let Trump skip the next debate rather than replacing Megyn Kelly.  I guess it boils down to a choice between the evil of two lessers.

Reverend Jerry Falwell has endorsed Donald Trump for president, saying “the talents, abilities and experience required to lead a nation might not always line up with those needed to run a church”.   Based on Falwell’s work with PTL and Jim & Tammy Bakker,  Trump may actually be qualified for both.

Maine Gov. Paul LePage thinks drug traffickers should be subjected to the death penalty done publicly using a guillotine. “Great!”, said Sarah Palin, “he and the Skipper were my favorite characters on that show!”

An Oxford University study by Dr. David Robert Grimes shows that large groups of people sharing in a conspiracy will very quickly give themselves away.  Sure, so you want us to believe, ONE-person Dr. David Robert Grimes.

Scientists believe that naturally occurring oil vents in the sea floor could actually be good for marine life.  Could that be true?  “Absolutely!” said Ray, owner of Jiffy Lube in Daytona Beach Shores.

Weight Watchers International shares rose 20 percent after investor and spokeswoman Oprah Winfrey tweeted about losing the weight using the program.  You know what other stock went up?  Seesaws.

Undeterred by comments that he is too left wing or too old to be president, Bernie Sanders said it’s not a tragedy if he loses Iowa, “there’s still 47 states up for grabs”.

Authorities announced that they found no gunman or signs of shooting on Tuesday after receiving a report from a Department of Defense employee that shots had been heard at one of the nation’s largest Naval medical facilities.  The NRA announced that “if everyone had a gun, this wouldn’t have happened”.


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