JACKSONVILLE – After 15 years of hardness tests and interviews, scientists from the National Institute of Gems and Minerals have published a report that lists contents of voter’s skulls, what scientifically has been categorized as ‘dura – non-facto’, as being harder than one of the hardest materials known to man, diamonds. Xavier Reems provided more details, “On Moh’s scale of hardness, diamonds are considered a 10. However, from these new findings we’re going to have to modify the table to include an 11, we believe. It would be the case where something is one-harder than diamonds.”
Calculations were done using control groups that were categorized using existing beliefs and notions, no matter how outrageous. “Oh we had people who didn’t believe in climate change all the way to questioning whether we had landed on the moon, and whether Elvis was still alive”, Reems explained. The scientists then presented the subjects with specific, proven facts using both lecturesand images. Notable experts were brought in who begged the participants to rethink their positions. “It almost didn’t matter what we told them”, Dr. Reems confessed sadly, “they refused to even consider the possibility that they were every partially wrong.”
The scientists then further validated their findings using political questions. “With Republicans, we discussed the fact that deficits were generally smaller under Democratic presidents and that the US usually prospers more under the same presidents and it really didn’t matter. For Democrats, we discussed how when both Congress and the President were Democrats, not much was accomplished and that didn’t matter. These people hold onto their beliefs as if their very perpetual soul depended on holding fast to whatever they happened to think was true, regardless of the real truth or how much overriding evidence could be presented.”
We asked scientists whether there were any occupations that might benefit with such dedication to holding on to their unjustified beliefs, and the only possibility they could come up with was “baseball umpire”.