Headlines September 7, 2016

After a long gap since my last headlines post, I hope you still find these entertaining…

President Barack Obama called off a planned meeting Tuesday with new Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte after Duterte called Obama a “son of a bitch”.  Duterte soon realized his mistake, saying “I thought the election was over and Trump was president!”

In a rare news conference aboard her new campaign plane, Clinton said she is concerned about “credible reports about Russian government interference in our elections.”  When Russia was asked about this, they replied “give us 30 mins and there will be no reports”.

After reports that the Russian government may have been involved in the hacking of Democratic National Committee emails just days before the party’s national convention, Bernie Sanders confirmed that his cassette answering machine was never compromised.

Trump appears to be softening his stance on immigration saying that there may be a pathway for citizenship.  He clarified that the pathway would be gravel and lead out of the country.

North Korea on Monday fired three medium-range missiles that traveled about 1,000 kilometers (620 miles) and landed near Japan in an apparent show of force timed to coincide with the Group of 20 economic summit in China, South Korean officials said.  The missiles are called Rodongs, named after what a dick Kim Jong-un is being.

NORTH KOREA has threatened to unleash an “unimaginable disaster” on its Western enemies if its despotic leader Kim Jong-Un does not get his own way.  “Why you all looking at me?”, asked a surprised Justin Beiber.

Support for the Black Lives Matter movement has increased among young white youths, according to a poll that suggests a majority of white, black, Asian and Hispanic young adults now support the movement calling for accountability for police in the deaths of African-Americans.  After hearing of the poll, Trump remarked “What’s a white…youth?”

Tropical storm Hermine is still causing havoc up the east coast.  Hermine, named after what an overly possessive cave man boyfriend might say. “Her..MINE!”

Hillary Clinton said that she won’t be visiting Mexico before Election Day.  “Damn it!”, Trump was quoted as he disbanded his wall-building construction team.

Mexico’s Supreme Court has ruled unconstitutional two state anti-corruption laws that outgoing governors passed in apparent attempts to shield themselves from prosecution.  When asked for comments, the governors said “Oh! ANTI-corruption…”

Police in Louisiana say a Mississippi man claimed to be a “sovereign citizen” who’s immune from arrest during a traffic stop. Instead of a license, he had a homemade “Constitutional Protection Travel Identification”    When he resisted arrest, officers were forced to spray him with Silly String and restrain his hands with a large soft pretzel. 

The Transportation Department said a truck was carrying  40,000 bees overturned near Kansas City, Missouri in what local law enforcement is calling their largest sting operation.

A man accused of pelting the Ohio home of a former neighbor with eggs more than 100 times over a year has pleaded guilty to a charge of inducing panic.  Officials are still deciding whether to press charges or let him off over-easy.

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